10 Don’t eat. Greeks are foodies by genetics so they really go all out during a formal function. Resist the urge to eat before the event no matter how hungry you are. Otherwise you will waste your belly real estate. Better to starve the whole day and gorge at the reception.
9 Be prepared for pain. Bring ear plugs in case you sit next to the loudspeakers and the bouzouki is shattering your ear drums. Bring Alka Seltzer in case you gorge on too much keftedakia and feta and wings. Bring an extra pair of shoes in case those 3” heels start stinging you after the 50th round of the Kalamatiano.
8 Brush up on your gossip. Any function like this acts like an excuse to talk about Maria or Giorgio and how fat Theia Kati got. Come prepared to add to the family history.
7 Brush up on your Greek. No doubt giagia or some antiquity of the previous generations will be there so you have to at least know how to say something engaging. Then watch them grapple with their molars the whole night long
6 Do not come accompanied with a non-Greek escort. Alimono then everyone will talk about you like you are some sort of pariah. “What? She no have a Greek boyfriend.”
5 Do not say you are a vegetarian. “What you mean you don’t eat the meat?” will be everyone’s reaction. They will try to convert you to souvlakity. Take some ham slices and put them on your plate anyway to dodge everybody. You can nibble on the broccoli spears and cheese wedges at your leisure.
4 Make sure you’re wearing extra globs of makeup and a couture design. Although it might be your cousin Maria’s wedding, everyone will be there to show off their own fancy get up. And all eyes will be judging and sizing up on the competition.
3 Make sure you can get up and dance to at least one Greek folk dance. You can check out demos on YouTube.
2 Bring lots of singles. Dishing out dollar bills is not just for strippers, it’s for lone men dancing the zembekiko. For a Greek night out, plastering the dance floor with hundreds of dollar bills is a sign of “kefi.” It shows that you are a big spender.
- Be prepared to get grilled with the stock Greek response for every single person at the party—“Kai sta dika sou!” You know it’s gonna happen. Thousands of relatives will chime in to each and every single girl and guy there about their unhappy lot as single people. “Don’t worry, kalo, it will happen to you to someday.” Don’t you hate that!?! And when they greet you with “Kali tichi” it won’t be to win the lottery either. It’s the Greek underhanded way of letting you know that you need luck to land a good husband (or wife). Just expect that you will be made to feel like less of an adult or functioning member of society because you are single. You can get hammered on the retsina so it doesn’t get to you too much though.
Despite all this, you can still have a good time at your next baptism/shower/wedding. Ya mas!